And so, the deal is that I am no longer allowed to get books from the Recycling Center. I am, apparently, a bad girl who violated numerous protocols. I just got this news, so I am in a state of shock.

What to do? First things first. Find places for the accumulated books. Continue to focus on the positive. Pray to a God that does not exist. Keep the home fires burning. Keep tending to the ponies. Keep an eye out for continued signs of spring. And hope that someone else intervenes in my behalf.

For a long time, I have thought about how people draw attention to themselves by being victims. I tried to avoid this. The book project was a house of cards. A card was pulled by the director and the house collapsed.

I did, though, save thousands of books from being shredded and pulped. Thousands of them. And I was finally accepted and even welcomed by the Palmer inner circle. For this, I am grateful.

I am grateful, also, for other things. I have a wonderful partner who supported my efforts from the very beginning. I have some amazing friends who did the same. And I have enough books to read to last me until I am no longer on

Alys's drawing

this planet. I am not sure which planet I am going to be on next – I hope it’s one where they don’t shred books.

I also have a fairly good sense of humor. This, my sense of humor, is being put to the test.

The question is this – how much fight do I have left in me? The accusations were character assassination types, and not at all true.

This is the answer. Change is a given. Things change, people change, the weather changes, the political climate changes. So, in time, there may end up being a new director and staff at ye old recycling center. I’ll probably wait it out and see what happens. And in the meantime, take care of the books that I have on hand.

Round and round I have gone in my head about all of this. This is what I most want to stop, the round and round that goes hand in hand with ongoing drama.

How do I again regain equanimity and focus? What does it take? A stable center? A strong core? A belief that everything will work out okay? Some things are bigger than we are, and this may be one of those things. I do not know. I feel, in fact, right now that I don’t know anything.

I feel like I am in the boxing ring and have been knocked off my feet. I’m on the ground and I must decide whether or not I am getting up again. Winning and losing, this really is what life is all about.

At least we are going into summer and not into winter. I have a goat pen to clean, among other tasks. Goat again means Greatest Of All Time.

Next: 116. 4/27/21: “I am never going to give up shooting”