This was something said today – it’s an old phrase but it came to mind this morning when I was sitting with the group. I have had a good number of good teachers these past few days, including Sally Haney, Lucille Bump, and Gail Fields.

I was on some level ready to learn from them – and indeed, I have learned a great deal. I might also have learned more if I knew more. It’s the level I am at. I didn’t do well today, so I guess I didn’t learn all that they imparted.

Actually, I had a very difficult day, one of the most difficult in memory. It was much like the day in which I learned that my dissertation committee had given up on me. Essentially, those who were “evaluating” me; that is, determining if I was to get an upgrade letter, one that

would in part enable me to move up to Level II, to me that they did not think at this time that I was ready to be a Level Two instructor. I was called into the living room where they were all sitting, the first thing that one of them said “We have decided not to give you an upgrade letter.” Their reasoning is that while I have mentally internalized the language of Centered Riding that I have done so physically.

Their following words began feeling like static, which was why I said I understood what they were getting at, and that I could not handle hearing any more. They remained impassive and called in the next person to be evaluated.

I felt like I’d hit a major road block. I don’t, at this moment, feel like putting any more effort in rising in the ranks. What I want to do more than anything else in the world is to go home and resume writing. I have been putting so much time and energy into this venture that I have neglected my writing-related pursuits.

And what it came down to was three lessons in the arena, and two teaching demonstrations. Lucille later told me that my second teaching lesson went well. However, the rides did not.

I had one ride left – this would have been a post-evaluative ride, which seemed to me to be unfair. If I knew that getting my letter was dependent upon doing well in my final ride, I might have pulled it off. I instead retreated to my room and cried my eyes out. I also called Pete who was empathetic. He too knows how much time and energy I have put into this endeavor. And we are both well aware of how much it cost to get me this far.

As Dylan Thomas once said “Rage, rage, do not go gentle into that good night.”

I think I have every right, right now, to feel a wide range of emotions, some of which are anger, confusion, and despair, just to name a few.

Tomorrow I will feel differently. I think that the trick is to put this behind me as quick as I can.

118. 4/28/17: Creativity Clinic, Day #1