My illness, whatever it is, could go either way. I said to someone that I’m fighting a cold and I’m determined to win. To this end, I ate very well today. Just two pieces of toast at breakfast, and the rest of the day plenty of fruits and vegetables. Alas, carbs and chocolate are my vices; however, I want to feel good in the next few days.
And I was still stressed. Feeling this way prior to an exam isn’t anything new for me. I lived in a state of constant stress my entire college career. I got to thinking about this today, and I realized that I’ve been ignoring a deep rooted fear. When in college, I was always anxious because I feared failing. As I then believed, there was a definite consequence to doing poorly. This was that I’d end up back in Rochester, NY and spend my life working at a shit job. It would have been so because I would not have had any other place to go.
I did, my third year of college, between semesters, spend three weeks in Rochester. I then worked at a downtown department store. It was awful, just awful. The memory of this experience motivated me to work even harder.
I have no good memories of growing up in Rochester, absolutely none at all. One reason I live so far from there is so that there will be no likelihood of my ever having to return. I don’t even like passing through there on the train.
So this brings us to now. I’ve been taking science courses at the local community college now for several years. I’ve done very well. And I’m doing well now. However, as I said, my stress level is unrealistically high. Realistically, if I fail, so what? I’ve paid my dues academically and then some. Life will go on. Nothing will change. Absolutely nothing will change.
I have been studying hard in part because deep down I fear the above mentioned consequence. But at the same time, I enjoy learning. I live, when studying, for those ahh haa moments, which is those times when I come to understand something that previously had been illusive, which is something seemingly out of my intellectual reach.
But this is it – the very big ahh haa. I am still interested in the mind/body connection. This past year my focus has been on the physical end of things. It may soon be time to turn to the philosophical end of things. This is what I will need to keep reminding myself in the next few days.
Next: 342. 12/11/19: Dog Blog: Ryder Speaks