Just like a snow day here, except that the snow isn’t falling. Instead, the wind is blowing, and blowing hard. It roared all night, I woke periodically and was reminded that it’s still an invisible presence in my life. This could go on for days. Or it could come to a screeching stop. This just depends on what Mother Nature decides to do about it.
I know Mother Nature well, or as well as anyone else. She’s now gray haired, has a wrinkled complexion, wears flowing blue dresses, and adorns herself in wrist bangle jewelry, all of which was given to her by the four seasons. She decides what our weather will be like. I had a
lengthy conversation with her this morning, which is as follows:
Alys: How are you doing Mother Nature?
Mother Nature: Fine, fine, fine, fine.
A: So all is well in weather land?
MN: Fine, fine, fine, fine.
A: What’s in store for us here?
MN: More of the same.
A: What do you mean when you say more of the same?
MN: Just what I said.
A: Why are you being so evasive about this?
MN: What? Me evasive?
A: Yes you. You’re being evasive.
MN: Honey, you need to make your questions more specific.
A: My questions are very specific.
MN: Apparently they are not specific enough.
A: Okay. We’re getting a lot of wind around here right now. Is this going to continue?
MN: Yes and no.
A: What do you mean by this?
MN: The wind will die down when I give the nod.
A: Can you tell me exactly when it will cease?
A: Tree branches are flying all over. And the same with people’s stuff. Our neighbors left a frozen turkey by the side of the road. This morning it was in the middle of the road.
MN: You need to tell your neighbors to secure their belongings, and this includes food items.
A: How about a little hint?
A: Why not?
MN: Because then you and everyone else will expect me to provide you with all the weather related details 24/7. That’s the job of the weather people.
A: But they’re often wrong.
MN: Meaning that quite often, they’re right.
A: Do they confer with you before passing on information to us?
A: Why not?
MN: Because they are myopic individuals who have opted to rely on what I call logical absolutes.
A: And you?
MN: (Standing tall and sticking out her chest) I create the weather!
A: I thought God did this.
MN: No, God is exclusively in charge of personnel matters.
A: And Jesus?
MN: He’s in charge of human relations.
A: And Mary?
MN: She cleans the silverware.
A: More importantly, what’s going on with global warming?
MN: You tell me.
A: Well, we humans are trashing the planet and because of this, we are Experiencing extremes in weather patterns.
MN: Very good Little Grasshopper.
A: I’m beginning to see how this works. We trash and you take action accordingly.
MN: What you’re saying is an over-simplification, but actually fairly accurate.
A: So we’re doomed, right?
MN: You need to put that question to the personnel director.
A: What about the guy downstairs?
MN: There is no guy downstairs. There used to be, but Human Relations closed down that office years ago. Too much bad publicity coming from that end of the world. Just as well, the fire and brimstone talk gave me the chills.
A: So what are your future plans?
MN: Future plans now, or future plans later?
MN: Today I’m going to have lunch with the four seasons. It’s February, time to talk about winter’s transitioning into spring.
A: And later?
MN: I’m not sure yet. I would like to retire, but given that your planet is seemingly on its death bed, I’m going to have to postpone making this decision. Quite obviously, my job is getting increasingly more difficult. It’s not one that I can in good conscience pass on to just anyone. I will first have to take a look at thousands of resumes, and then set up interviews. I don’t have time for this now.
A: It’s sort of a Catch 22 – you want to retire but can’t because you are working hard and don’t have the time to find a competent individual to take your place.
MN: Yes, but call it Catch 23.
A: Thank you for taking the time to talk with me.
MN: You’re welcome.
A: One more thing – the bees – colony collapse. Can you do something about this, weather wise?
MN: I could. I might. We’ll see.
Next: 38. 2/7/15: Son of Blowsi