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February 3, 2012: Introspection

Pete goes away, and the thoughts in my head begin to follow a Mobius strip pattern, taking on a rather predictable movement, with no deviation from the original thought. I am aware that this happens—I have seen this also happen with others around here—mostly those who live by themselves. The rather harsh Alaskan environment, combined with long stretches of solitude, contributes to what I call Mobius strip thinking.

I have several thought patterns, going on several strips. When I tire of one, I hop onto another. Back-and forth-andsideways I go. It’s like being on a merry go round.

Mobius strip
Mobius strip

One reoccurring thought is what’s to become of us here? Pete’s being away reminds me that we won’t be living here forever. If say, something was to happen to him, I’d have to leave because this place is just too much work for one person. Sometimes I think that should I end up here alone, that I might then become more efficient, and this way get all that needs to get done, done. But then I think of the big/little things Pete does, like making sure that the vehicles are in good working order, and that they all have the right kind of tires. I could do this, but other things would slide. My getting rid of the animals would undoubtedly cut down on my work load and expenses. It might then be a matter of choice. Remain, and get rid of them, or find a place to live that’s not as labor intensive. This would be a tough call.

Neighbors might give me a hand – but I’d only be able to play the overworked widow card for at most, a year. Plus our neighbors have their own places to tend to. And who would want to climb up onto a steep roof and dust off the solar panels? Or put in three gardens? Or varnish four cabins? In the words of Kurt Vonnegut “and so it goes.”

And, what’s to become of Pete and I if we do decide to stay? We are not yet in the twilight of our years; however, the day will come when we’ll no longer be able to do the heavy labor that is synonymous with livestock care.

Pete will come home tomorrow, and we will talk, and he will dispel my fears and the Mobius strips will one by one, disappear. It’s as simple as that. That is, if he makes it home safely from Juneau. See how easy it is, to begin circular thinking anew?

Next: 60. 2/4/12: Nimby