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December 22, 2012: Conversation with Peaches

This conversation took place as the sun was cresting the nearby Chugach Range. I’d just entered the shed, and was putting hot water in the goats’ water bucket.

Peaches: It’s really cold in here this morning.

Alys: Yes it is.

Peaches: Can I come in the house?

Alys: No.

Peaches: Why not?

Alys: Because Pete won’t allow it.

Peaches: Why won’t Pete allow it?

Alys: Ask him.

Peaches: He won’t listen to me.

Me: Maybe you need to speak louder.

Peaches: B-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-HHHHHHHHHH. Is that loud enough?

Alys: How about a little softer?

Peaches: B-a-a-a-a-h, B-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah, Ba-a-a-a-a-hhhhhhhhh.

Alys: That’s too soft. Forget it. Even if Pete did hear you, he wouldn’t let you in the kitchen. We’ll have to make do here. I’ll clean your pen after I finish eating my breakfast. And I’ll give you extra bedding. This will be good for your tired, old joints.

Peaches: That would be quite nice. But your letting me into the house would be far less work.

Rover: How about giving us some grain? It’s right there, behind you, in the trash can.

Alys: We’re nearly out.

Ranger: We’ll finish it off for you.

Alys: Uhhh uhhh.

Rover: I’ve been meaning to ask, where did the chickens go?

Ranger: They’re in heaven.

Peaches: No they’re not. They’re in the freezer. I saw Pete put them in there.

Ranger: And Peaches, if you don’t stop bitching, you are going to end up in the same place.

Rover: She’s too big for the freezer.

Ranger: What will they do with her when she dies?

Peaches: Nothing. I’m going straight up to heaven, and I’m going to walk through those pearly gates.

Ranger: I don’t think so. I think they’ll put the chickens in the refrigerator freezer and then stuff you in the outside freezer.

Peaches: I’d live longer, and consequently prevent this from happening, if you let me in the house.

Rover: Did you know the outer door window broke last night?

Alys: Yes, Pete pointed this out to me. I’m going to pick up the shards after I eat breakfast.

Peaches: That’s da-a-a-a-a-a-a-n-n-gerous. Let me in the house. Now.

Alys: Sorry, Pete won’t allow it.

Rover: Just stand up to him the way I stand up to the neighborhood dogs. You do it like this – you put your head down like you’re going to do a head butt, and then at the last minute rear up really tall, and come down hard on both feet, with your head high. Works like a charm.

Alys: I can’t do it. Pete would take Peaches in, and then tell me to go out and live in the pen.

Ranger: Your living in here with us would be a lot of fun. We could have sleepovers and head butt all night long.

Alys: (Appearing to give the matter some thought). I could wear my riding helmet.

Peaches: Stop this talk. You all get off topic so easily. Drives me nuts. Let me in the house.

Alys: Peaches, Leave this be. You aren’t going anywhere any time soon. I’m sorry.

Peaches: Sorry, my ass. Why don’t you put it where the sun don’t shine?

Ranger: Look. The sun’s shining.

Alys: Peaches. It’s December 22, 2012. We have just passed the solstice. Today we’ll get 30 more seconds of daylight than yesterday. Spring is in the air. Old girl, be patient.

Peaches: You don’t love me, do you?

Peaches: Yes I do. Greatest Of All Time – G-0-A-T-that’s you.

Peaches: How about you put an end to this awful wind?

Alys: I can’t do that.

Peaches: Well then let me in the house.

Rover and Ranger both: Here we go again. . . .

Next: 376. 12/23/12: Trip Sponsorship