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November 17, 2012: Ranger’s Contribution

Goats are very insistent. I finally had to give in to Ranger’s request, that he be heard. I decided to write up what he said the way it took place, in question/answer form. Ranger is an Alpine/Toggenburg cross, about six years old.

Me: Ranger, how are you doing today?

Ranger: Quite well, thank you. What’s for lunch?

Me: hay.

Ranger: You giving us the stuff you’ve been giving us?

Rover asks, Ranger "Where art thou?"

Me: None other than.

Ranger: I would like some horse hay.

Me: Then I’ll have less for them. And they can’t eat your hay because it’s dusty. You don’t mind the dust, do you?

Ranger: No. But I do like variety.

Me: I’ll keep giving you the other in the mornings.

Ranger: Well how about some grain?

Me: I’m cutting you back. You’re getting fat.

Ranger: Getting fat doesn’t mean I am fat.

Me: Look at your middle. You look like you are going to burst.

Ranger: I can’t see my middle.

Me: That’s what I’m getting at. Ranger, what are thinking about these days?

Ranger: I wish it was spring. I most enjoy being on the hills, browsing.

Me: It really isn’t even winter yet.

Ranger: I know, I know.

Me: Well, what else are you thinking about?

Ranger: About again being human.

Me? Again being human?

Ranger: Yes. I was once human you know.

Me: Well, who were you in your previous life?

Ranger: I was your childhood dentist.

Me: Bullshit. Okay. What was his name?

Ranger: Martin Fields.

Me. This blows me away. I don’t know what to say.

Ranger: Well, I’ve come back as a goat. You know, I’d like to be a dentist the next time around. A goat dentist.

Me: Why?

Ranger: The work would be easy. You know, goats don’t have any front teeth.

Me: So this is why goats are browsers as opposed to grazers.

Ranger: Correct.

Me: Hey, I have something important to ask you. How come when people visit, you rear up and threaten to butt them?

Ranger: I don’t know why I do this. It’s a goat thing. I’ve never before given it any thought. It’s sort of like you, putting one foot in front of the other. You just do it.

Me: Could you stop doing this? Aubrey, the woman down the road, is really scared of you.

Ranger: No.

Me: Why not?

Ranger: It would be like me asking you to stop walking. I do what I do, and you do what you do.

Me: Well then, another question. Are you, Peaches, and Rover happy here?

Ranger: I’m happy. I can’t speak for the others.

Me: Could you give me some insight into their character?

Ranger: Sure. Peaches is all wise. And Rover is all dumb.

Me: Is this all you have to say about them?

Ranger: All right. Peaches came into this world as a female goat, and a female goat is what she’s always going to remain.

Me: And Rover?

Ranger: You really want to know?

Me: Yes.

Ranger: In his previous life, Rover was a lover of yours.

Me: Who?

Ranger: I can’t say.

Me: Rover, get over here.

Ranger: He’s ignoring you because he doesn’t want to talk about this. But he adores you, and always wants to be with you. Nothing makes him happier. Ever see the look in his eyes when you scratch him on the head? He’s trying hard to tell you something.

Me: I’m flattered, but this is as far as it’s ever going to go.

Ranger: I understand.

Me: Anything else? I’m about done pen cleaning.

Ranger: You know what G.O.A.T. means, don’t you?

Me: Yes. Greatest of All Time.

Ranger: Well keep this in mind when you leave the tack room door open and we all get into the grain.

Me: Will do.

Next: 343. 11/18/12: Oh Horses, How art Thou?