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October 19, 2020: A Conversation with Buckwheat

Alys: Buckwheat, are you listening to me?
Buckwheat: No, I am not.
A: Are you hard of hearing?
B: When I choose to be. Are you hard of hearing?
A: Yes, I am. But I listen to you.
B: Not all the time.
A: No, not all the time. Maybe we need to listen to one another more closely.
B: I hear you.
A: Very well. I have some good news for you.
B: I like hearing good news.
A: You are going back to Chelsea and Matt’s place on Saturday.
B: You have said this before. Are you sure?
A: This time, yes.


B: Why?
A: Because you belong to them, not us.
B: It’s a strange concept, belonging.
A: Yes, it is. They lent you to us for the summer.
B: And I am going back to them?
A: Yes.
B: Are Stormy and Ranger coming with me?
A: No, they’re staying here.
B: Why aren’t they coming along?
A: Because this is where they live.
B: So they live here, and I don’t?
A: That’s right.
B: Do I have any say in the matter?
A: It depends on what that say is.
B: I would like to stay here.
A: Why do you want to stay here?
B: Because I feel as though this is my home. And Stormy and Ranger and I are now very close.
A: Well, I have some say in this matter, as does Pete, and we have decided that it is in your best interest to return to the Dishner household.
B: Why is it in my best interest?
A: Because you are a stud.
B: What’s a stud?
A: An unneutered male goat.
B: Oh.
A: Your job in life is to impregnate female goats.
B: Like Stormy?
A: Like Stormy.
B: Not like Ranger.
A: No, not like Ranger.
B: So he’s a neutered male goat.
A: That’s right.
B: Why did you have him neutered?
A: So that he would be easier to get along with.
B: Aren’t I easy to get along with?
A: Well, you stink. You stink really bad.
B: I smell good!
A: I can smell you all the way down on the road.
B: Well, if I’m ever lost, I’ll be easy to find.
A: True. And you tend to be on the aggressive side around people.
B: Yeah. If you allow me to stay, I’ll tone it down.
A: I can’t risk you hurting some small child.
B: Pleeease?
A: We are acting in your best interest. Chelsea and Matt have a good number of female goats right now, and it will be your job to service them.
B: Service them?
A: Okay, get it on with the ladies.
B: How many females do they have on their farm?
A: Enough so that you can do what you were meant to do.
B: How about you take me there on weekends and I live here during the week?
A: A good idea, but this would be difficult in the winter, given road conditions.
B: So is this a done deal?
A: Yes, this is a done deal.
B: I don’t know what to say.
A: Just give the matter some more thought. If you look ahead and not behind, I think that you will in time be glad we made this decision. In the meantime, you have another five days here.
B: If it doesn’t work out will you come and take me back?
A: Yes.
B: Promise?
A: Yes, promise. After all, you are Greatest of All Time.
B: That’s right. Goat.

Next: 290. 10/20/20: Rites of Fall

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