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April 2, 2018: Performance and Anxiety

So this winter is becoming a not-so-distant memory. In a few months we’ll all have differing memories about the amount of snowfall, amount of wind, amount of cold. And later, down the road, we will say “the winter of 2017-18, what was it like?

I write about each day so as to record it in perpetuity, although like the weather, the memory of it will soon fade, to the point of it being insignificant. But right before I go to bed, it is significant.

Today is one I will remember, I think. I had put nearly everything aside that needed doing the past few days and focused near exclusively on learning my Bones for Life lesson, one that I was to

The Talkeetna Mountains from across the Knik River

be accountable for today. I was really apprehensive about how it was going to go – and apprehensive is not even an apt enough term. I countered this sense of apprehension by going over the lesson repeatedly. It had 22 steps, and most of the 22 steps had sub-steps. There was no way, in four days, that I’d be able to memorize it all.

Laura, the other remaining student and I met at Shari, our teacher’s place. What I most enjoyed was that we did not sit in chairs the entire time. Rather, we sat on the floor. I moved around quite a bit, shifting my position, well knowing that this is good for me.

The plan was to have another Bones for Life Instructor participate. She arrived late, and in the meantime, Shari talked about performance and how the type of work we are doing is the antithesis of performance. In other words, we do it for the love of learning. She said that Moshe Feldenkrais told his students that he was to be their last teacher, meaning they then would be their own teachers.

Okay. So I am thinking, well, I am not here to perform, but I will be evaluated. Maybe, I thought, I’ll be evaluated on my non-performance. Bottom line, I had to know how to teach the lesson I was assigned and to show that I knew how to teach the lesson I was assigned. I had first written up the lesson in the Bones for Life manual, then read it into my phone recorder, then practiced it, then practiced it having Pete be my student – and then practiced it again. I must have gone over that lesson 20 times.

Kate (the other instructor) turned out to be a gem of an individual and a very nice person. And we four, that is me, Laura, Shari, and Kate, which was have one of us do the exercise, and have another interpret it and then teach it to someone else. I did the exercise, Laura interpreted and taught it to Kate. Then after, Laura did her exercise, I interpreted it, and taught it to Kate. I found being the interpreter to be extremely difficult.

But I did it. I left Shari’s feeling a great sense of relief. She is going to be away guiding in Southeast Alaska until September, so I am going to have to find a way of maintaining the momentum. Tonight I feel like I can do this.

Tomorrow Vet Tech class and an interview session with Suzy Crosby, related to my state fair book. Then, after, a few days of home based activity, which I am looking forward to.

Next: 93. 4/3/18: Time is Fun when you are Having Flies

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