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March 1, 2018: The Examined Life: Thoughts about Moving

There is the unexamined life, which is the life some have, where they just do as they are told, or feel they are told, and never reflect upon the consequences of their action. Then there is the examined life, which is the life others have, where they do as they please and always, almost to a painstaking degree, consider the consequences of their actions.

I live an examined life. I am constantly assessing my state of being and attempting to determine how, if, and why I should do things differently. This is why I am in the throes now of attempting to figure out my future plan.

I realized yesterday that I’ve been envisioning a life that most likely isn’t going to come to be if I remain here. What prompted it was this – Pete got home late, as usual on Wednesdays, and handed me a certified letter, one that had the envelope flap fastened with seals. It was from the college. Pete had figured out it was from Mat-Su College, where he has been teaching for the past fifteen years. I thought it might be good news since I’d recently put in for a tenure-track job teaching composition and rhetoric. Instead, it was bad news. I was told that I would not be allowed to audit the course I’m taking. I had gotten my application in late – this was the supposed reason. I had subsequently submitted a letter stating the reasons why I should be allowed to audit this course, the main one being I’d already taken this course for credit.

Now here is where the moving part comes in. I have been waiting 15 years to get hired on at this place, and my applications have not been considered. And I have watched as my husband has risen through the ranks and gotten all sorts of accolades. I have a Ph.D. And so, perhaps I might be hired elsewhere, maybe not as a college professor, but as something else. I am trying hard to imagine what that something else might be, and right now I’m drawing a blank.

I am also very discouraged in terms of my horse/human body awareness discoveries. No one is interested here in even so much as talking with me about what I have figured out. Tonight was actually very exciting – I today took Tyra and then Hrimmi for walks. Tyra lacks Hrimmi’s newfound high degree of focus – but Hrimmi is proof that this is a maturity issue. With all the horses, Tinni and Raudi included, I am finding that I make the same sort of connections in the saddle that I make on the ground. Just stepping back and walking at the point in their back where the saddle goes makes all the difference in the world. And today I took Raudi on a trail ride – the snow was in places up to her chest. She plowed through it with a sense of purpose.

Anyhow, more and more I am thinking that I’d like to live in the Pacific Northwest, close to a college town. And so if the opportunity presents itself, I will act upon it. At least right now, as I mull this all over, working with the horses is keeping me sane.

Next: 61. 3/2/18: The Horse Life: The Fifth Wheel

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