Ryder, our border collie, has decided to put Pete and me up for adoption. She told us both this morning that this was a tough call because we do have our attributes, although she would not say what they are. She’s made it clear to us that she really wants that special person or persons in her life, and quite clearly, we are not it. Her write up, which I helped her compose (!), follows.

My current owners (Alys Culhane and Pete Praetorius) have agreed to be put up for adoption, as I have come to the conclusion that we are a not-so-good match. I am going to be brutally honest about their shortcomings, so that you will fully know what you are getting into. Both are mixed breeds, of European descent. They appear to be of good health, although lately, there has been some belly aching about stiff joints.

Alys is a middle-aged female, and a moderately high energy human being. She is horse-obsessed and spends LOTS of time out on local trails. She also bicycles adjacent trails. Pete’s a middle-aged male, and he is also moderately high energy.

My fellow border collies warned me about their kind when I signed on to live with them, but I did not listen. They told me that there are some owners who do not

Alys behind bars

know when enough is enough in terms of exercise. Some days we get home after a ride and the pair decides to go out again. Sunny days, rainy days, snowy days, they are out there. I’m getting tired of this. I need an owner, or maybe two, who know when to put on the brakes. I like getting SOME exercise, but I also really enjoy flaking out on a bed for great lengths of time.

The pair would prefer to be adopted by a dog of a breed that has no interest in chasing cars. This has been a point of contention with us for some time. Best you be of a breed that is always focused on your master when out on the trail. They didn’t like my rolling in dead things, but you can get away with it. This is one thing they seem to take in stride.

The pair are okay with puppies, although I would not suggest she be surrendered to a household where they are permanent residents. I have never seen this, but I suspect that Alys might snap at one, should it have attention deficit disorder or be borderline dumb. Pete is a little more laid back but you never know.

A home with cats is out. It’s been suggested they get a mouser because there are a lot of mice around their place, but Pete insists on setting traps. He thinks he might be allergic to felines. Alys likes kittens, but alas, they grow up to be cats.

Pete has a good temperament but Alys has a temper. She isn’t mean or violent – she at times is overly loud in making her wants and needs known.

If you are seeking an owner who will give you what you want to eat, the pair would not be a good choice of partners. Your diet will consist of kibbles with an occasional squirt of salmon oil, and on rare occasions, salmon skins from their plate, put in your bowl.

Be forewarned – if you take on this pair, you will be booted off the bed at night if you take up too much space. Sprawling is not allowed, nor is barking at moose at 3 a.m. You will also have to request water when on short car rides. Once they forgot to fill the water bowl. Could happen again, you just never know.

Money isn’t an issue. Pete has a financially stable job, enough to pay the veterinary bills and food costs. Alys is a writer, has yet to write a best seller, so she’s financially unstable. If something happened to Pete (dog forbid), the pickings could be slim for a bit. If you have insecurities about such things, as I do, you would be best off continuing your search for the ideal human partner(s).

There is a $1,000 rehoming fee, which may be waived if I feel you are the perfect match. If no one adopts this pair, I will get in touch with Human(e) Control and have them taken to the Human(e) shelter. I plan to remain here at Squalor Holler and will start interviewing perspective owners once Alys and Pete have been taken on by another canine or canine family.

Next: 23. 1/23/18: What’s Shaking