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May 27, 2018: What I most Fear

I have spent most of my life attempting to strike a balance between being over and underwhelmed. There has to be a happy medium, and I remain in search of it, though it eludes me. I am either one or the other. Always. It’s been this way since I came out of the womb and will be this way until I die. It’s the warp and weave and woof of life.

I sometime see the things that others are doing, and, I think, I would like to be able to do that. Some things, and I say some because the list is long, include knitting, playing the ukulele, preparing for and climbing Mt. Everest, becoming a ballet dancer (the principle), going to and graduating from veterinary school,

Lower Garden

bicycling around the world, riding my horse around the world, learning to spin wool, learning to play a percussion instrumentation and performing in a orchestra, becoming an Olympic Cross-Country ski racer, and becoming a sheep herder.

Those who do these things are incredibly focused. Most start at an early age and don’t do much else other than their given profession. Then there are those who are good at whatever it is they choose to do. In thinking of the latter, Hattie Schmidtkunz, who is not yet even 30 and is now working on getting her pilot’s license. She is an accomplished paraglider and downhill skier. She’s travelled solo in third world countries.

I have not done much with my life – I had a difficult time making a commitment to doing any one thing. I also lacked the necessary drive. I am also at heart a dreamer, and dreamers of course lack focus.

Today, thus far, I worked on Forks, did some body awareness work, read about ulcers in horses, took Tyra for a walk up the bench, and then did some agility with Hrimfara. I was going to get Raudi out but then it started to rain, so I came inside and forced myself to clean up my study/piggy nest. As I was cleaning up, I made a list of things I needed to get done. None of the above listed things were on it, although they should have been.

Like I said, I didn’t want to do this. But I did, and will now feel less overwhelmed when I walk into this room. I might have put it off because I feared being underwhelmed.

Yes, I do fear being over and underwhelmed. Both make me feel anxious.

I don’t know if Pete thinks about these sorts of things. Today I watched as he prepared all the front garden beds for planting. He sifted through the soil and removed all the underlying vegetation. Then he added our compost. This was a huge job – and there is more to come.

Tomorrow I am going to give him a hand. I decided that I am now going to spend one day a week giving him an assist with gardening/property maintenance. I know that my saying I’d help out two hours a day would not happen. But one whole day a week, that is a bigger and more manageable chunk of time.

I’m also going to have him come with me and look at the pasture down the road – I have big plans for it – plans I am going to have to find the time to carry out.

Next: 148. 5/28/18: An Unmemorable Memorial Day

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