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August 19, 2017: Relief

Yesterday I wrote about having my tonsils removed. I have heard the phrase having my tonsils pulled – but I do not think they pulled them. I was not there. I wrote about dreading the experience. To continue, after, I felt a great sense of relief for that which I had been dreading was done with.

We headed home, me in the back seat of the car, my parents in the front seat. I felt something salty in the back of my throat, spat onto my hand, saw it was blood. I interrupted my parents, who were arguing, and said that I was bleeding. My mother turned around, saw blood coming out of my mouth, and told my father to head back to the hospital. I had hemorrhaged. I don’t remember what they did to correct the situation. I dreaded going back to the hospital and was relieved when I was again released.

Dread became relief, which become dread, which became relief.

Now today, dread eventually became relief. I sensed that the Bones for Life didactic (teaching class) was not going to go well, but I did everything I could to make it successful. I studied the manual and summarized the notes, first on the computer and then on notecards.

I did not practice the later processes/exercises nor did I go over them with Pete, and this was my downfall.

The class started out okay. There were six students, and Laura and I were teachers. I began, had everyone introduce themselves, and I introduced myself. Then I did the introduction, which related to Bones for Life and Bouncing on the Heels. What I did not realize was that Shari, the instructor, was going to provide all the explanatory material. And Laura and I were to exclusively do the processes/exercises with the students. So I said too much. As for the Bouncing on the Heels exercise – I had the students use chairs because I feared that one in particular would have a hard time with this process. This decision, which was last minute, was a bad decision on my part. I learned that I was not to do this – but the feedback undermined my credibility and greatly reduced my level of confidence.

I had gotten onto the wrong foot and could not get back on the right foot. This made itself apparent to me when I literally could not rotate my pelvis around one leg – I could only do two. I was stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck. And I remained stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck. I could not get anything right.

I went for a walk with Laura at lunch. She told me to ignore Shari and focus on what I was doing. I tried to do this after lunch, but to no avail. I got a bad case of what I can only describe as stage fright – I just could not think. And Shari sat next to me, emanating impatience.

I stuck out the rest of the afternoon – Laura was the superstar, which was okay. But as soon as class was over, I high tailed it for our car, where Pete was waiting.

And as we drove away, I felt a great sense of relief, and was glad that this was over. If Shari does approach me, and if she is up for my doing a mentorship program (big ifs), it will undoubtedly be easier than being in front of a group and being on the spot.

Of course, I am depressed. I can’t push hard on any more doors. I simply no longer have the energy to do this.

Next: 227. 7/20/17: Hitting Bottom

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