Home > Dispatches > Daily Dispatches 2017 >Daily Dispatch #197

July 20, 2017: What Gives?

I wish that there was this small meter that I might wear – it would indicate my degree of depression. All would see it, and perhaps empathize. A “0” would be quite low and “10” would be quite high. The past few days it has been at “8.0.”

Being depressed to a large part goes with being creative. Together, they walk side-by-side, holding hands. They do part company for great lengths of time, but they always get back together. The correlation is something I believe and have accepted as part and parcel of being human. Get a gift, along with comes a curse.

I have been really depressed about losing Rainbow, our dog. And I have been

depressed about the fact that we might be sending her on her way before her time. Now, I suspect that life in the great beyond is far better than life here –a key word here is suspect – I do not know for sure. And because I do not know for sure, I am not wanting to send her off before her time – nor do I want to do the opposite and send her off after her time.

Well, we have decided to delay the inevitable. She was scheduled to be euthanized on Saturday. We have decided to give Rainbow a bit more time because she’s eating and pooping and peeing outside. Her rear legs aren’t working at all, but the rest of her is just fine.

Our very good friend Bill Schmidtkunz will tend to her next weekend, when we are in Fairbanks. And there still exists the likelihood that we’ll send Rainbow to the great beyond before we leave. The most important thing is that both Pete and I feel as though the time is now.

I am wondering about human/animal physical pain correspondences. This is freaky – but my hips have been hurting me, the left one is worse than the right one. I can’t help but wonder if Rainbow and I are, in a manner of speaking, joined at the hip – I might be taking on some of her pain. Then I am also wondering if I am that close to her. I have been feeling somewhat detached from her for some time – there I am, rushing in and out of the house, just glancing down at her. I do stop and have spent some time with her, but perhaps not enough. I do not know.

Rainbow has always been a very independent dog – a trait that Pete has always considered to be a detriment. But I have admired this in her because it has meant that her love for us is unconditional. One wrong move and she would have had no qualms about hitting the road. She spent some time on her own before we got her, and undoubtedly would be capable of doing this again. Well, not now, but up to a year ago.

Anyhow, she got a reprieve, as she got when she was a puppy – she escaped being euthanized then and it looks like she is going to escape it now. We are doing the right thing, letting her live a bit longer. I just have to keep telling myself this.

Next: 198. 7/21/17: Eulogy for Rainbow

Horse Care Home About Us Dispatches Trips Alys's Articles