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January 11, 2017: How to Undress a Moose

Dressing a moose is easy because the moose is dead.  Undressing a moose is more difficult because the moose is alive.  You can’t reverse the process because this is nonsensical.  In undressing a moose, who is alive, you are giving the moose a much-needed aura of invisibility.  This aura of invisibility is most needed during hunting season when the hunter’s sole objective is to kill and dress as many moose as is humanly possible.  If you are a neophyte you might first consider undressing a cow.  Cows are not in the hunter’s cross-hairs as often as are bulls, and for this reason are less likely to charge when you approach them.

Cow and calf helping to clear future arena spot

Preparing to dress a moose requires advance preparation. This sounds, but is not contradictory. The preparatory process is akin to taking two steps backwards and one step forward.  You might be tempted to take two steps to one side and one step to the other side, but this will make your job more difficult. 

Moose are large animals that can kick to the side.  That’s the most important thing you need to know because that kick can kill you. However, some other noteworthy information might be life-saving.  Keep in mind that moose lack empathy.  They don’t care about your feelings.  Nor do they care if you care about their feelings.  So don’t tell the moose that you feel bad about the fact that you are removing her hide. She knows why you are doing this.  She also knows that you are for the perpetuation of the species; otherwise she would not let you get within eyesight.

Moose are straightforward thinkers.  Sideways movement puts them on the defensive.  Moose also don’t like metaphor so don’t compare what you’re going to attempt with anything else.  Empty your mind of loose change, lint, and excess verbiage.  Breathe deeply, and keep in mind that you and moosey moosey share the same air.  It’s always O2 in and C02 out – it never works the other way around, unless say, you are undressing the future contents of a salad.

This is a job that is like no other.  The pay’s low and the hours are long.  The gratitude of the species is payment enough.  Do the job in an efficient manner and it will be over in the blink of a moose’s eye.  I don’t need to provide you with any additional instructions.  When you make physical contact with the moose, you’ll then know what to do.

Next: 12. 1/12/17: The Livestock Life: Conversation with an Older Goat

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