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April 3, 2016: Depressed as all Getout

I am so looking forward to getting home. I am lucky, I can escape from that which I am having a hard time dealing with. Others, like my sister, cannot. If it’s true that we create our own reality, then I’ve created a reality in which I care-take minimally for others. El may or may not have created her own reality. Bottom line – she for some time has had two stressful jobs. She’s been teaching elementary school and caring for my mother. She’s now on leave from her job, so that’s one less thing to worry about.

Mother’s care appears as though it’s going to be intensive and ongoing. The Pacifica Memory Care staff, cottage three, has 12 women to care for, and though they like my mother, they don’t have a lengthy history with her. And lengthy histories are the ties that bind. So sometimes my mother’s care is not top priority. For instance, the other night she didn’t get changed, and so developed a nasty rash on her bottom. El raised hell and told the powers that be in no uncertain terms that she must be checked on every two hours.

And El had a hard time getting Tylenol for her knee pain. It is really third world, all the channels one has to go through in order to get what I think is still an over the counter drug. El also purchased A and D ointment. And she purchased some drug for constipation. Mother shat immediately after drinking the stuff. She drank it while on her side and through a straw, which I thought were two no nos. Sometimes things around her get a little too lax even for my comfort.

And there is the matter of the other residents. They wander around freely, into others’ rooms, and sometimes steal things. I am coming to know who they are – Evelyn, small, slightly hunched over, talks very persuasively in gibberish, she is the worst. And she has been digging around in the kitty litter so she smells bad. She is stealthy – she keeps popping up behind me – startles me, then when I turn around starts babbling.

Uncle Bob announced last night that he’s leaving Thursday. Amen I say. I am tired of being a part of this lopsided triangle in which I continue to be the odd one out. If El realizes it she has not in any way, shape, or form acknowledged this. He continues to treat me the way my mother did. El is okay with him just so long as he does not get in the way of her relationship with mother. For instance, she is bothered when he says what he thinks should be done in terms of her care – if he is aware of this, he chooses not to show it.

I’m heading home on Friday. The situation will remain as is. El will continue to care for mother – she’s now officially on leave. Most likely Mother will go downhill again and the situation will repeat itself. I don’t know if she will go back to the hospital. This may not occur because the Eldercare contract won’t allow for it.

I am depressed about the apparent lack of resolution about this situation. I forced myself to go for a ride on Wanda and this turned out to be a good thing to do. The fact that I had to force myself to do this was maybe not so good.

I am going to try and go brain dead for the next few days. I will put my mind on auto pilot so that I can get out of here in my sister’s good graces. To remain in good graces means that I must continue to remain cordial to Uncle Bob. Now I know how whipped dogs who are fed by that hand must feel. Unreal, to feel history repeating itself.

Next: 91. 4/15/16: Hardship

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