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March 28, 2016: Easter as is

We as humans select and then interpret given information – taking new experiences and then looking at these experiences in relation to past experiences. That is to say we bring back what bear and we bear what we bring back. And no one ever has the interpretation of the exact same event. Imagine that.

I was taking a shower this morning and then it hit me, boom, my mother is hoping to live on to live because she so much loves my sister. And my sister is hoping my mother lives on because she so much loves my mother. Their love for one another is intense, strong, deep, always has been and always will be. And there is nothing at all wrong with this. The capacity for love is not exclusive to men and women in their twenties. It is all encompassing.

Neither my mother nor my sister want to physically part company. It is as if someone put Superglue on their hands and clasped the two hands together. If my mother could take Eleanor through the portal with her, she would. Would Eleanor go? If she knew that life as we know it was better on the other side, she would not hesitate. Me, I’d hang back and in a manner of speaking continue to sit in the back car seat. I’m not ready to check out yet. I have a lot of things to do at this point in my life. Not to say that Eleanor does not. However, her main reason for being here is going elsewhere.

My heart aches for both El and my mother. I love them both dearly and hate seeing my mother in the physical condition she’s in, and Eleanor in the mental condition she’s in. Nothing as ever made me feel as wretched and helpless, and I absolutely mean this. I just want to turn the clock back in time about ten years, and see them happy again.

El has a photo on her refrigerator, of the two wearing orange traffic cones on their head. The two had actually then found a website in which a guy had become obsessed with cone size and location. I was blown away by it, as were they. All of us, we began seeing cones in various odd places. Very cool.

Sally continues to rally, getting incrementally stronger as opposed to incrementally weaker. Tomorrow she will take a step back in time and place, and return to Pacifica, where she was before she was hospitalized. It has been determined by Dr. Annihilator said that she’s strong enough to handle the move.

This means no more up to the minute care. This will become a done deal. We are now going to enter into the realm of respite care.

There are questions that I dare not ask Eleanor because they would make her cry are – how much time does she think that mother has left? And how long will I be here? We both agreed that she should be alone here until we know that mother is out of the woods. And this may very well happen. But what happens if I go home and she again becomes ill?

I think that Uncle Bob feels similarly. I am my father’s daughter and he dislikes me in the way he disliked my father. Any time I try and talk with him he either ignores me or asks Eleanor a question. It’s as if my father’s DNA is sticking its tongue out at him and going naah naah naah. He also has begun to make jabs about my personal appearance to me when El isn’t around. Okay. Yes, I need a haircut. And yes, my fleece coat has animal hairs on it. And yes, I should do something about my crooked bottom teeth.

I am going to do as best I can and send him lots of love or what I call blinding amounts of positive energy. I was thinking the reverse. I should do the opposite.

I am doing the night shift tonight because tomorrow is going to be a big day for Eleanor who is very tired. I did take a nap this afternoon but it was far too short. However, I’m so tired that I might fall asleep in the gray and green chair.

Next: 86. 3/29/16: Right Now

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