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February 14, 2016: Born Loser

That’s me. I’m Alys and I’m a born loser. Some are born to run and some are born to lose. I fell into the category of the latter at a very early age. I now understand that this is because my mind is often on other matters. I’m hoping that the internal martial arts training will help me to better deal with this problem. I was told that when in class I make the wrong move, this is because my mind is wandering. Makes sense to me.

Memoir writers have to deal with what is always most elusive, that is The Truth. Like a moth drawn to the fame, those of us who work in this genre can only get so close to it. It’s a lifelong challenge for me, trying in writing to get close to the flame, close but not so close that I risk singeing my wings.

Alys and Hrimmi

The other day I wrote about my worst fear coming true. That is being stopped at night by a policeman in a police car. Since then, I’ve been in a state of abject terror when driving. Doesn’t matter if it’s dark or light out. I had myself convinced that I was going to be pulled over again. In fact, 3-4 days ago a state trooper vehicle pulled off Palmer Fishhook Road, right behind me. I was so sure that I was going to be stopped that I began shaking uncontrollably. By the time I got to my destination I was sweating profusely.

What I did not say in my previous dispatch was that my fears were based upon the fact that I was fearful because I was driving without a license. It was in my wallet, which I’d misplaced some time ago. I did not have the license with me when I was stopped. I was lucky in that I was merely given a warning. I suppose that the fact that I didn’t then have my license with me is now on my record.

I was, in driving without my license, playing with fire, and I knew it. I tore apart the cabin looking for my wallet, but to no avail. It did not materialize in repeated searches. The only things in it were my previously mentioned driver’s license, my one credit card, and five dollars in cash. In essence, both a great deal and very little.

I put off cancelling the credit card and going to the DMV and getting another license. And I kept dealing with the angst.

Last night, as Pete was sitting at my computer (he was giving me an assist with finding the Centered Riding newsletter) I walked over to my dresser and pulled the top drawer’s contents on the floor. I’d previously riffled through the top drawer items, thinking that maybe the wallet was there. However, I didn’t see it, which was why I continued to look in other places.

As it turned out, the wallet was in that drawer, underneath some underwear. I yelped “I found it.” “What? Your wallet?” Pete asked. “Yes, my wallet,” I replied. I then stood, and let the waves of relief wash over me.

Yesterday morning, I went to town for internal martial arts training. And I drove there fear free, my driver’s license in my wallet, which was on the seat next to me.

I have vowed not to lose this wallet again. I can’t go through this again. Finding this wallet and daylight returning have eased my angst considerably. The truth might not hurt, but it sure can singe one pretty bad.

Next: 45. February 14, 2016: Centered Trail Riding Instruction

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