the oncoming headlights.
I get annoyed when the oncoming cars pass. Once they are past, I’m okay. More cars appear. The cycle repeats itself. Makes driving a very unpleasant activity. Have come to be very apprehensive about driving at night, have in fact begun to fret about this earlier in the day, which is if I have to go anywhere later on.
Is there an analogy to be made here? I think so. I am in general a very apprehensive individual. I fear what’s ahead as well as what’s behind me. I often think that I could be rear ended. What I most fear are the flashing lights of a police car and all that goes with it.
This recently happened to me. It was around 6 p.m., and I was coming home from the Saddle Up Arena, which is located on the far side of Palmer. It was dark. I was driving slowly. There were a lot of cars passing me, which caused me to drive even more slowly. Sure enough, I saw flashing lights in my rear view mirror minutes after turning onto the Glenn Highway. I leaned over the steering wheel and looked straight ahead, hoping that the police car would pass. It did not. I slowly pulled over to the side of the road. I rolled down my window. The police officer appeared and peered in my window. A conversation followed, one in which he ascertained that I was not drunk, just driving in a reckless fashion.
He let me go with just a warning. I drove home, slowly. The effect that this had on me was that I am now even more fearful about driving at night. All I can now think is that it’s very good that the light is returning. I know that I need to learn to better deal with such things – change my breathing, change my posture. Structure changes tension patterns. This is what my internal martial arts teachers have taught me, and I believe it. I understand, intellectually, and now, limitedly, in other ways.
I fear that my teachers will in time throw up their hands and then give up on me because I am so slow, physically, to grasp what they are attempting to teach me. Smoke, fog haze, I am surrounded by it.
I am slow to change. But change is happening. I am slowly becoming more confident, and this can be seen as I take to the driver’s seat on dark evenings.
Embrace change and then let it go. Easy to say, hard to do.
Next: 40. 2/10/16: More Money for Horseshows