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April 20, 2016: Plans Change

I am continuing to roll with the punches, the punches are not as hard as they were, but rather are now lighter and more frequent. I keep telling myself that I’m here in Portland to give El an assist so that she might again get back on her feet.

We had planned on doing a road trip together, had decided to go to Kathy Lockerbie’s place in Bellingham, WA to see Tyra, but El’s cat Pumpkin is off his feed and slightly lethargic, so I told El that we ought not go, to which she readily agreed. Otherwise, the cat would have to be cared for by her neighbor who would have to give it it’s insulin shots. And this cat does not take well to people handing it – he bites.

El talks to the cat the way she talks to my mother, as one would a child. She also fusses over the cat the way she did my mother. I wish that I were her daughter – I would prosper.

I force myself to think about the particulars of my own life when I get to feeling down. Been thinking a lot about the new horse. Kathy Lockerbie sent me videos of the evaluation – as I suspected, she is not the ideal Icelandic competition horse. But I like what I saw, the ideal in terms of her being a good trail horse.

I kept quiet about this, or relatively so, in conversing with Eleanor because I can be obsessive. Instead, I’ve been attempting to show concern about the cat. I also helped her fix her screen door. And I stayed out of her way by not asking too many questions as she worked on it. It’s her project – I was more of a support person than anything else.

I love El, even more so now than before. We are family. Both our parents are now gone. I knew they’d both die someday, but I didn’t expect them to die within six months of one another. What were the odds of this happening?

El went out the store to get Pumpkin’s insulin prescription filled. And I got anxious, wondering what I’d do if something happened to her. And what will I do if something happens to her in the near future? I guess I’d take on her cats but they would have to live in the goat shed.

And then I got anxious about Pete, who I haven’t heard from in a few days. What if he dies in a plane crash on the way home? And me, what about me? I’m not going to be around forever either. I know my being anxious is due to the fact that I am suffering from death-related PTSD. I also know that my fears are unrealistic. No, I take that back. My fears are realistic. I must enjoy life, enjoy both El’s and Pete’s company while we are all here.

I am going to be here two more days and three more nights. I’m going to continue to enjoy being here because I will be very busy when I get back home.

Next: 104. 4/21/16: Problems, eh?

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