I have my dispatch personality – I appear to be upbeat, witty, complementary of others. I don’t write about my arguments with Pete or my disagreements with others. Yes, I am critical of gun toting ATV using fools. Pete once said that I have a low tolerance for stupidity and stupid behavior. Well, this is true. But I do a good job of keeping this under wraps in writing and posting dispatches. In real life I’m judgmental and can be a tough person to get along with. It is often my way or the highway around here. Ergo I am a Virgo.

I do try in writing dispatches to be honest. This is often difficult. Best most times to just shine everyone on and refrain from providing too much self-disclosure.

Pete with Siggi and Signy

But here goes. I have been having waking dreams in which I acquire a fourth horse. In these dreams the trailer pulls up to the driveway entrance and the hauler unloads a bay gelding. He is short, compact, has a black mane and tail. He’s chipper, forward under saddle, readily stops. He gets along just fine with the other horses, who I introduce to him on a series of short trail rides. I have been skewing the dream and trying to envision his arrival at Field of Dreams farm, which is our new place.

Why would I be thinking this way? My hands are full caring for the horses we have on hand. In part this is because I’m impatient. We have one year and 2 ½ months until Hrimmi is of riding age. And she’s doing very well with her training. This morning Pete and I took her for a walk – the loop road was icy. She carefully picked her way around the slick areas and at one point chose to walk on the berm. So all indications are that she’s going to be a very savvy trail horse and a good mount for Pete. And when she comes of age, we’ll retire Tinni. Tinni will then trade places with Hrimmi and will be the horse we pony.

So again, why would I be thinking this way? The answer is this – not even a year ago we lost Signy. My heart still aches in thinking about her. I miss her so much. It’s like no time has elapsed since Pete told me she died. (I was in Fairbanks, and just about to get on the train home.) Pete’s loss was then two-fold because we’d recently parted company with Siggi. We loved them both dearly, though Signy was the better riding horse. Even now, to bring this all back to mind hurts like hell.

So my thoughts about getting yet another pony are an attempt to fill a hole. Siggi sent us Ryder who (most of the time) is a joy to have around. And Signy left us Hrimmi. I think she knew that Hrimmi would be in good hands. And perhaps she knew when we got her that she’d help fill the hole created by her loss.

But there is still a hole there. And I keep thinking that getting another pony will fill it. This is (I pause here for I’m not sure how to continue) logically flawed thinking. I am grateful to have Raudi, Tinni, and Hrimmi. And we can’t afford another horse or its expenses.

I must find another way to fill this hole. I’m not sure how to go about it. Maybe a fourth horse is the answer. Maybe not. I can’t fill this hole by using direct action, say like picking up a shovel and moving the dirt back into place. It just has to be circumstantial. In the meantime, I just have to live with it.

How do people deal with loss? And how do they deal with the fact that loss is inevitable? And how do people deal with the fact that the older one gets, the more loss they have to contend with? I mean, you live to be 100, and most likely everyone your age or older is gone. This includes much loved family members and friends. Make new friends and keep the old one is silver and the other’s gold just doesn’t cut it. I am not sure what the answers are. But I do know this – these are key questions relating to the human condition.

I can’t live my life not doing things because loss is inevitable. Just gotta get out and keep doing things. Well, today is a cold but incredibly sunny day. I’m going to work on my proposal and resume marketing. Ugh. Back to one day of marketing and one day of writing. Double ugh. And I will get the ponies out.

Though it’s been a mild winter, my thoughts have turned inward. This is as inward as I’m going to go. Now they need to turn outward again. Spring, I have to keep telling myself, is almost in the air.

Next: 50. 2/19/15: Alys on her High Horse