Breathe, Kiddo

Breathe, Kiddo

The article first appeared in Alaska Dispatch. Sarah Palin attempts to answer Katie Couric’s question, “Why can’t any of us hold our breaths forever?” The interview took place on November 2, 2008.

Well Katie, that’s a really good question, actually, it’s one that I’ve never before considered, you know, I was a basketball player at Wasilla High, and so I didn’t have to take any science classes; that’s why I haven’t considered this. But it;s far easier than those other questions you’ve been asking me, what was that one? I forget, but any how, I wanna send this response out there to all those third graders at Wasilla Elementary School, especially Johnny who can’t read, err breathe.

Johnny, Katie and I are here thinking of you, and hoping, by gosh, that tonight, after listening to us, that you take in a really big lungful of good, fresh Alaska air, and then let it out – put your lips into a big O – Johnny, you know what a big O is don’t you? You let that air out, that’ll make yer Mom and Dad so proud, you know, special needs kids like you are really special, so go ahead, and take the air in and let it all out . . .

Your question Katie? Oh yeah, well you know, I could, if God wills it, hold my breath forever, but I don’t think I’m gonna do it because I have gotten no word from Him on this matter. But I have been holding my breath; I held it a long time hoping that I’d get elected president, err vice president; I held it so long I thought my dang ears would pop. You know when you drive into a tunnel, like that one that connects those two places, ummm, what are they, England and Spain? I’ve never been there, so I don’t know what those two countries are, or maybe they are continents, anyhow, it’s kinda like that tunnel that I wanna see built, the one that’s gonna connect Little Diomede and Big Diomede, back there in my home state of Alaska. I can see both places from my house, and if we ever get it built, we are gonna put the 50th state on the map, for sure.

Yeah, but you know what I mean? Its like they say, if you let your breath go before you get through the tunnel, then the tunnel will collapse on you. I hold my breath, but I always figure that if it does collapse, well, that’s just one door opening and other door closing, and if the door closes on me, I’ll just have to go with it. It takes a real maverick to hold their breath until something happens, yes it does.

I know that my friend John McCain has been holding his breath for a really long time too; in fact, ever since he was a P.O.W. over there in that jungle, what’s it called? I don’t know, but he hasn’t exhaled because he is a true maverick. Mavericks can hold their breaths longer than any of us, that’s why they make such good presidents. And I want everyone out there to know that I am prepared, should we again run in 2012, should John release his breath, to take in one of my own, and hold it for however long I need to. It’s kinda like that story about the three little pigs, you know, they all huffed and puffed and blew that straw house down. At least that’s how I think it went. Maybe there were four pigs. Together, we’ll blow the house down and make this country proud. Uh huh, mark my words, it’s gonna be blow baby blow.